Shame

There must be something wrong with me…

From as early as I can remember, the actions of those closest to me have told me…there must be something wrong with me.

Hands on my 7 year body said I am not valuable enough to be protected, to be considered, to be seen.

Applause and praise only when I brought home the A’s and A*’s said it’s only when I’m perfect that I am wanted.

Ok so now I have to prove that I’m loveable. Perfectionism begins.

Being disregarded and ignored in school said there must be something wrong with me…UNTIL I caught the eyes of boys. They saw me and I felt a rush of desire. The spiral began. Men after men. Because there can’t be something wrong with me if they want me. Right?

Chase after chase. Violation after violation. More chasing.

I need to keep this cup full.

Lies reinforced.

Shame on top of shame.

No there isn’t anything wrong with me. Men want me.

Dead end after dead end. Emptiness. Hopeless. Tired.

Is there something wrong with me?

Here I am. Still at the beginning of this story. Trying with everything in me to prove wrong something that was already wrong. A lie that was magnified with every man. Every decision. Every mistake.

How can something be wrong with me when God intricately wove me together in my mother’s womb. Does God make mistakes?

How can something be wrong with me when the blood covers all sin.

How can something be wrong with me when Jesus bore all shame on the cross.

He already carried it so no, there isn’t something wrong with me.

I am not what was done to me.

I am not what I did.

I am who You say that I am.

Beloved. Forgiven. Redeemed. Restored.

“There must be something wrong with me” = Shame’s biggest lie.